Anxious Attachment and Romantic Relationships

It can be important for parts of us to feel safe, seen, and loved in our relationships, but for some of us, that sense of security is hard to find, no matter how committed or kind our partner may be.

If you often feel on edge in your romantic relationships, constantly wondering if your partner really cares, overanalysing texts, needing reassurance, or fearing abandonment, this may signify that a part of you is anxiously attached.

Let’s explore what this attachment style looks like, where it comes from, and how it can shape your romantic experiences.

What is Anxious Attachment?

Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that our early relationships with our caregivers create a blueprint for how we relate to others as adults.

When caregivers are inconsistent, sometimes warm, sometimes distant, a child’s sense of security may feel threatened and therefore they may become anxiously attached. They learn to stay hypervigilant, constantly scanning for signs of rejection or abandonment.

As adults, this can show up in romantic relationships as:

• Fear of abandonment

• Intense need for closeness and reassurance

• Sensitivity to perceived slights or distance

• Difficulty trusting that love is secure

• Ruminating over a partner’s words, behaviour, or tone

  
  

How anxious attachment fuels insecurity

People with an anxious attachment style often feel emotionally unsettled in relationships, even when things appear stable from the outside. Here’s how that might look:

1. You crave closeness but struggle to feel close

Even when you're with someone emotionally available, it may not feel "close enough." There can be a constant undercurrent of worry.

2. You overthink and second-guess

Anxiously attached individuals often spend a lot of mental energy analysing interactions:

• Why did they take so long to reply?

• Did I say something wrong?

• Are they pulling away?

  
  

This overthinking can create tension, exhaustion and distance in a relationship.

3. You seek reassurance but it doesn’t stick

You might ask your partner for frequent validation (“Do you still love me?”), but even when they affirm you, the comfort may be short-lived. That’s because reassurance treats the symptom, not the root insecurity.

4. You may mistake anxiety for intuition

Because your nervous system is so tuned in to signs of danger or disconnection, you might misinterpret anxiety as a “gut feeling” that something is wrong, even when it isn’t.

The impact on relationships

Left unaddressed, anxious attachment can create friction within your relationships. Partners may feel confused or overwhelmed by the intensity of your emotional needs, or you may find yourself in unbalanced dynamics where you’re chasing affection from someone emotionally unavailable.

Over time, this can reinforce the fear that love is fragile or unreliable.

The ‘Anxious/Avoidant trap’

One of the most common yet painful relationship patterns I see in therapy is the anxious-avoidant trap. This dynamic occurs when one partner craves closeness and reassurance (anxious attachment), while the other pulls away to protect their independence (avoidant attachment).

At first, these styles often attract. The anxious partner is drawn to the avoidant’s confidence and emotional reserve, while the avoidant partner may feel flattered by the anxious partner’s intensity and affection. But over time, their differences create a push-pull cycle.

The more the anxious partner seeks connection, the more the avoidant partner withdraws. This withdrawal triggers the anxious partner’s fear of abandonment, leading to more pursuit, which in turn deepens the avoidant partner’s discomfort.

Neither is wrong. Both are acting out learned survival strategies from early relationships with their caregivers. But without awareness, this cycle leads to frustration, mistrust, and emotional burnout.

How can relational therapy help understand anxious attachment style

Relational therapy helps individuals understand their anxious attachment style by focusing on the dynamics of current and past relationships. This therapeutic approach emphasises how early attachment experiences, often with caregivers, shape patterns of emotional connection, fear of abandonment, and self-worth. In relational therapy, the therapeutic relationship itself becomes a safe, supportive space where the client can explore their fears of rejection and their tendency to over-invest in relationships.

Through this process, the therapist helps the individual recognise how their anxious behaviours, such as seeking frequent reassurance, becoming overly dependent, or feeling intense distress when separated, are rooted in unmet emotional needs and past relational wounds. By exploring these patterns within the therapy relationship, the individual can begin to develop insight into their reactions and gradually reframe their sense of self and others.

Relational therapy also encourages more secure relating by modelling healthy boundaries, mutual respect, and emotional attunement. Over time, the person learns to tolerate uncertainty in relationships, trust others more, and build a stronger sense of self. This deeper understanding can help reduce anxiety, improve emotional regulation, and lead to more balanced, fulfilling relationships outside of therapy.

In closing…

Anxious attachment isn’t a flaw; it’s a survival strategy that once helped you cope. But in your adult relationships, it may no longer serve you.

With compassion, awareness, and support, you can learn to feel secure in love. Not through constant reassurance, but through deeper connection with yourself and others.

Need support?

If you recognise anxious attachment in your own life or relationships, therapy can help you find more peace, clarity, and connection.

I provide relational, in-person therapy to people in Ipswich and surrounding areas. I also have online options available. If you would like to get in contact, just click the 'make an enquiry' button below and I will reply to your enquiry shortly.

Best wishes,

Matt

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